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tv   midnight With Chris Hardwick  Comedy Central  January 19, 2017 2:07am-2:36am PST

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two addresses that have been about leaving. and i think they both have really interesting points that you brought up. one which you gave addressed the fact that you felt that u.n. council didn't do enough to deal with what happened in syria. when you said that, though, what does that mean. because some people go what could have been done. >> well, russia is a permanent member of the security council, a privilege afforded to only five of us 71 years ago. after the second world war. and russia used its veto time and again when ever we proposed putting pressure on the assad regime which was gassing its people, bombing its peoplek systemically torturing its people. had we been able to forge unity with russia, had there been more, even if they wanted to bash the regime but are much more critical relationship where they were really pressing from behind the scenes to get the regime to stop the tactics that it used which only just insights
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more terrorism and draws people into the fray, then you know maybe we could have had a political solution earlier. but the system is vulnerable when one of the permanent members chooses to render the council paralyzed by using the veto. >> trevor: i understand that russia has to take a lot of blame. the world saw how putin supported assad, regardless of his actions. but surely there is a part of, you know, whether it's the u.s. or the ambassadors to that looks at the situation and goes in hindsight, had you in 2011 or 2012, for instance hillary clinton herself talks about how arming the rebels at the time in syria may have stopped assad from being as powerful as he was. do you sometimes look back at that and think of a different way it may have been handled? >> well, let me say that anything that we did of a more aggressive nature would have not been with the approval of the
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security council. if you run into a whole-- you know, when our national interests are at stake and certainly if the u.s. were at direct risk, russia was blocking something, every president would look out for the american people, first and fore most. this was a humanitarian issue. i look back every, if not every minute, of every day, certainly every day, what more could have been done. you can't look at a situation where 400,000 people have been killed, half the population displaced, isil who are now beating back and lost a lot of its territory but none the less established a foothold. we all have to ask ourselves that question. but in doing so we can't lose sight of the fact of who it was that was killing civilians in syria. and sometimes in the recriminations, you know, one can lose sight of who the perpetrators were. and we can't do that now as the obama administration and we can't do it after friday. when i got into my job in 2013 we had problems on syria. but we hadn't yet seen russia go into ukraine and lop off part of a neighbor.
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which is a violation of the core principle in the u.n. which is, you don't do that. (laughter) exactly. and then in syria they not only were vetoing on behalf of assad but then got involved themselves and starting using horrific weapons that hit schools and hospitals and so forth. and again there need to be rules in terms of how conflict is waged when it is waged. and there have been. but when a big power like russia violates those rules along side syria, those rules become less binding for other would-be bad guys. >> trevor. >> so then on top of all of that, we start to see them pumping money into elections in europe on behalf of parties wanting to kind of export the putin model. and low and behold in our own election we saw a very significant effort to interfere and to indeed change the outcome of the election, to seek to change the outcome of the election. so i felt in leaving, as a new administration is taking over, that it was really important to pull the pieces together and say
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look, this is a government now, that we as a people have to unite, see with clear eyes what they are doing, maintaining sanctions for what they have done in the past until the behavior changes, open to di lom see-- diplomacy. the only way there is going to get resolved, i agree with what everyone says, is through the political tract. but that doesn't mean you practice historical amnesia and that when you take office you forget recent history. because that law-breaking, that rule-breaking, that assault on the international order is something that is really going to hurt america and it's going to hurt people all around the world. and how we respond is something the north koreas, the iranians an even the nonstate actors, the terrorists are watching. >> trevor: i just want to say thank you for your time. you have had honestly one of the toughest jobs in the world, in the world. and we appreciate everything you have done. good luck on your future ventures and enjoy the end of the world. >> thank you, thank you. >> trevor: samantha power.
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thank you, thank you so much.
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>> trevor: that's our show for tonight. thank you so much for tuning in. here it is your moment of zen. >> at my core, i think we're going to be okay. we just have to fight for it, we have to work for it and not take it it for granted. and i know that you will help us to do that thank you very much, press corps. captioning sponsored by comedy central captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org [cheers and applause] >> chris: it's 29 minutes until midnight. here's the latest contradicting information on the web that'll eventually lead to the demise of all your most cherished relationships. president-elect donald trump will take office immediately and heading off vacation this weekend, but he's already got his eye on 2020. in an interview with the "washington post," trump said he's looking to copyright his next campaign slogan, which is not just "dasvidaniya american comrades!" in 2020 he plans to run with
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"keep america great," showing just how confident he is that there will still be an america in four years. but people online were quick to point out that they'd heard that phrase somewhere before. oh, yes. yes, keep america great was the tagline for the third installment of "the purge," but -- election year. but at least donald has a consistent vision for this country. so comedians, since the d-bag might need to change his motto, what's another movie-inspired slogan for donald trump's 2020 campaign? brian. >> you want the truth. i can't handle the truth. >> chris: very good. points. very good. erin gibson. >> i'm just a girl standing in front of a boy, asking him to not get us in a war with china. >> chris: points, points. [ applause ] >> chris: judah friedlander. >> totto, we're not in kansas
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we're in canada. >> chris: points. >> chris: next up, "cheesecake olfactory." people come up to me all the time and say "chris, what could possibly make virtual reality porn better?" and i say, "imagine if you could actually smell the inside of the bang bus!" well, don't act like you don't know what it is. now you can, and i can tell you it smells slightly better than a regular bus. the new "ohroma" virtual reality sensory mask -- you see where this is going. it pumps in smells you migh experience during actual sectioning. smells like private parts, body
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odor, panties, axe body spray, tacos, and new car smell. that new car smell! it's barely street legal. but don't take my word for it, here's california's legendary james b! ya you heard right. "you smell panties, breasts, and even their skin. it smells so real you feel like you're actually there and totally forget where you are watching from." well, you might forget, but everybody else at the public library won't! [ applause ] comedians, what are some other things virtual reality could do to make porn more realistic? >> chris: judah. >> true love. chris: nice. >> beautiful. chris: erin. >> this is just as classy. accidentalqueef'ing. we're on the same page.
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>> is there intentional queefing. >> ya. chris: they can. brian safi. >> a post-sex level. after the sex you watch netflix together and hold in your farts. >> chris: or queef. [ applause ] next: sym-bowl-ism. tokyo, of course, won the right to host the next olympics-- narrowly beating out other qualified hosts for 2020 like: istanbul, madrid and hugh downs. tokyo won because the other three have been dogged by alleged human rights violations. in preparation for the influx of foreign visitors to tokyo for the 2020 games, the j.s.e.i.a., which obviously stands for the and they came up with a guide to help tourists interpret their electronic space toilets with diagrams for what each dumper button does. sometimes their are pictures and you don't know. now i'm filled with water, the seat is lifting, now it's launching me into space. this makes is less confusing.
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comedians, some of these don't seem any more helpful, so please pick a symbol and tell us what it actually means. erin gibson. >> the lower right. ya, that's for when you don't know you're pregnant and you poop out a baby. [laughing] >> you know you're like others i'm pregnant -- oops aoeuplg pregnant. >> i like the second one on the top. that's exactly for when you want a woman to sit on you and you're also an airies. >> chris: pointses. very good. judah. >> the bottom row, second one from the right looks like, you know instructions for how to finish a bowel movement during a tornado. >> chris: points. yes, very important. an f5. this one i can't figure out. this one feels sort of farty.
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hot air. this is self explanatory. this is the button that allows trump to pee on your tits. i think that's what that says. i think that's what that says. >> chris: next: "ten minute ahabs." moby dick's restaurant in vancouver is suing the local building council for making them change their name. apparently the word "dick" is offensive to assholes. it's a [beep] book. a famous book. not obscure but famous literally work. the council claimed that a business having "dick" in the name could hurt property values, and "violate city laws on odor." city odor laws? i've been to vancouver, and i've eaten at stinky's, the turd factory, farty's deli and tim horton's. i have been to all of them. double standards much, vancouver? comedians, help out a moby dick. what's a less offensive name they could get away with calling their restaurant?
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erin gibson. >> hot bowls of [beep] chowder. chris: points. judah friedlander. >> are you there, cod, it's me tarter sauce. >> chris: that's a great name for a restaurant. >> chris: let's check the scoreboards. with points from "throwing shade," tuesdays on tv land, it's erin gibson. 200 points. [cheers and applause] >> yes. [cheers and applause] >> chris: with points also frm "throwing shade," it's bryan safi. [cheers and applause] >> chris: with four hundred points his stand-up film "america is the greatest country in the united states" is coming soon, it's judah friedlander. [cheers and applause] >> chris: and now it's time for tonight's "#hashtagwars." [cheers and applause]
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this friday, donald trump will put his hand on a bible, and be quickly sworn in as president before the book starts to burn his skin. [laughing] all we know about the festivities so far is his event planner saying it will have a, "soft sensuality" befitting the occasion. which to me implies, "trump getting a lap dance in fdr's wheelchair." so, we're gonna get america -- he's not using it. he's not using it! so, we're going to get america ready for this sure to be titillating event with a bit of foreplay for tonight's hashtag. #sexypolitics examples maybe sexual congress. and if your -- 60 seconds, begin. >> mr. gorbachev, tear off them pants. >> congressional cucus. hris: brian. >> bjfk.
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chris: points. erin gibson. >> scotis. >> for skin and seven years ago. chris: very good. safi. >> hjfk. chris: jfk is getting a lot of action like the old days. judah. >> fill a bust a nut. chris: gibson. >> mike penceatration. >> mitch mcanal. >> cabinet position. hris: perfect. gibson. >> senate [beep] confirmation hearings. [laughing] [cheers and applause] >> chris: did you say senate [beep] confirmation hearings? >> yes. chris: great. [cheers and applause] >> chris: send us your #sexypolitics and tag them @midnight to keep the game going. we'll be right back with more @midnight. [cheers and applause]
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>> chris: our tweet-of-the-day from last night's "hashtag. war" was sent to us by @thegoliard. @thegoliard. well done!
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what ari can explain...s 11pm. you should be out there disappointing your father. i need to clean this place up.
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bloopy, bad judgement and loopy. hunger keeps inventing new problems, so we invented snickers® crisper. >> chris: welcome back to @midnight. i'm going to be performing the nerdist podcast live at sf sketchfest on saturday january 21st at 10:00 pm at the curran theater in san francisco. it'll be me and jonah ray and matt mira, and our special guest nathan fillion! tickets and info are available at sfsketchfest.com, hope to see you there. and now it's time to play "yokel government." [cheers and applause] everyone's so swept up in national politics these days, people seem to forget about the very patient folks on your city council. presidents don't care if a raccoon just chewed up your trash can, but the booger county comptroller chick dinkle does. in fact, he probably ran on a platform of exterminating those disease spreading litter munchers the heroes in local government work hard to keep those
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god damn thieving night squirrels out of your recycle bin, but more importantly, they have to listen to you-- the common taxpaying jackoff. so comedians, i'm going to show you some videos from local city council meetings and i want you to answer a few questions about them. first up, this agitated lady at the lincoln, nebraska city council. >> now my brother was here, checking you guys out. so was my uncle. you know you have scratchy toilet paper. -- was treated bad. you go buy them some toilet paper. [ applause ] >> chris: comedians, what other changes does she want to make to the city council bathroom. >> an orange crush buday. >> remove the changing station. if she can't have a baby, no one can. [laughing] >> chris: points.
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>> chris: next, the hazelton, pennsylvania city council was treated to a speech from this guy: >> there is a spanish saying, you have lemonade you have to learn to make lemonades, you know. [laughing] >> i can't tell you how many times i hear that spanish saying in english. [laughing] >> chris: if you got lemonades you got to make lemonades. you have to make it what's another traditional saying this guy grew up with? judah. >> don't bite the hand that feeds you, especially if you live alone and cook for yourself. >> chris: points. [ applause ] >> that's where i'm at right now. >> i hear you. >> chris: next up, this guy has something to say about what happened at the last meeting, when the mayor held a door open and touched the small of his back.
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>> under the guides of heaths health may such a flirtous test trying to possess, control and take control over me. -- homosexual males psych logically refuse control of a heterosexual male. >> chris: oh, ya. oh. >> yes. chris: almost finished. [ applause ] >> chris: comedians, what else confuses this guy? brian. >> sunglasses. chris: yes, points. these sun glasses are trying to make sexual advances at my head. >> i think he's thinking why do my pants get tight when ever i see the rock take his shirt off. [laughing]
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>> chris: points. >> i think he has issues. i don't think he's being honest with him self. >> chris: maybe he's not. [ applause ] >> chris: finally, this city council meeting in pensacola, florida opened with an invocation from a satanist. take a look. >> so pretty. >> it sounds like mass. >> ya. chris: comedians what is this satanist proposing? >> his mom stop reading his live journal. >> chris: points. gibson. >> that hot topic become a site landmark. >> chris: points. [ applause ] >> chris: well, there you go. as you can see, the public comment portion of city council meetings basically amounts to taxpayer funded open mic therapy sessions where the town deputy treasurer is legally obligated to listen to you gripe about the radiation levels in mayonnaise. so, over the break i want you to
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channel your own inner townie and make a video from your appearance at a local city council meeting. we'll get your answers after the break. we will be the city council and you will present to us. [cheers and applause]
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um, i can't have happen what happened last time... (♪) ahem... here's my card. i'm sure you know your profits are down 8%. so, just let me know if you want to change that. ♪ i believe in you! break through!, break through!
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tadirectv now. stream all your entertainment! anywhere! anytime! can we lose the 'all'. there's no cbs and we don't have a ton of sports. anywhere, any... let's lose the 'anywhere, anytime' too. you can't download on-the-go, there's no dvr, yada yada yada. stream some stuff! somewhere! sometimes! you totally nailed that buddy. simple. don't let directv now limit your entertainment.
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only xfinity gives you more to stream to any screen. >> chris: welcome back to @midnight. before the break i showed you a videos of local whack jobs at city council meetings and i asked you to make your own. let's see what you came up with. let's start, first one. >> esteem members of the council, police brutality is a big problem in this district. that's why i propose police violence would decline if cops wore more sexually provocative uniforms. a thong and a badge. they would be less likely to tackle someone because their nutsack would pop out. [cheers and applause] >> chris: next one. >> hi my question is for city
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controller mr. simons. what is a [beep] controller. and the garbage how do i get the garbage man to understand that the can is garbage. controlling, what the [beep] >> chris: there you go. finally. >> hey man, mr. mayor, whatever is respectful. i want to say i have checked every pot hole in town. i have yet to find a single one with pot in it, man. isn't that just a hole. fill them with pot, we have been promised. [cheers and applause] [cheers and applause] >> chris: alright. [cheers and applause] >> chris: a thousand points to judah. 500 to gibson and 250 to safi. [cheers and applause] >> chris: it's time for "merit ba-jay-jays." if you've ever been a boy or
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girl scout, you know that merit badges were a way to show your scoutmaster that you were paying attention and not just sitting there getting weirded out because you were getting a backrub. check out this kid who earned all 137 possible merit badges! right there. damn. wearing that chastity belt like a sash. comedians, i will show you official and not official merit badges. tell me what you get it for. what do you get a handshaking badge for? >> getting into blue man group. chris: points. [laughing] >> chris: next, this cat sleeping on scissors. this is a badge for what? erin. >> dying alone and having your face eaten by a pet in a studio apartment. >> chris: points. next one how about this poorly rendered truck. judah. >> smuggling heroine with a class b

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